Foster/adoption update: Life lessons

Heavenly Father has taken my family in a different direction, and has given me a much needed break. Tom and I have been praying about the little girl we received back in March this year. This is one of the ugly parts of foster care, she has caused a huge disruption in our home and it hasn't gotten better with time. She has been a handful for us, we have been working tirelessly to help her but there has been little to no change in her. Yes she is two, and every child is different but I have dealt with my share of two year olds and all of them have pretty much followed the order of life you might say. We have had services come out and tell me that she is pretty normal and or some say she isn't messed up enough to qualify for services. Doors are being closed because they feel she doesn't need anything. I have evaluated myself multiple times to see if I'm trying to make these things up in my head but when I have her go to other homes or other people see her out in public other people can see she needs help. It was the same thing with our other little boy, he needed services but wasn't "messed" up enough. A child has been removed from the only environment they ever have known, from neglect, different types of abuse into hopefully a "normal" healthy environment. That is a huge shocker to anyone of any age, but especially to a child.
Out oldest little girl has had the hardest time adjusting since our oldest left back in May. And she is pretty territorial, and when we received the little girl in March she was NOT happy. They had their good and bad days (mostly bad). She felt threatened, and was scared that she was going to be removed. So she started acting out doing things that she normally doesn't do. It was hard for her to understand that she wasn't going to be removed and hard that her oldest brother who she loved left her, she knew him for over 2 years. And to have this other little girl take up A LOT of my attention, it was hard for her and she wasn't getting the care she needed. This is the part of foster care we knew we were going to run into, how does a child so young comprehend that your home is a "hotel" for kids and that the ones you adopt are staying forever. Tom and I are continually telling them that we love them and that they are in a safe home and they are NOT going anywhere.
As far as the 2 year old little girl, I was feeling burnt out, my efforts for fighting for her were being wasted. I was fighting the system showing them signs how she shouldn't go back to her mom so quickly. She will be going back home pretty soon, probably by Christmas, and I feel like the mom hasn't resolved the problems. No child deserves a bad home. Things weren't good in our home, the kids were being divided and they were not happy. My 4 year olds issues were getting worse. I have been praying what to do, and I received my answer while we were on vacation back in July that  it will be best that she goes to another home. I fought it, because I know what happens when a child is removed from a home, they get set back another year in development. But I had to think of my forever family and how things affect them and if it is a healthy environment. Basically my answer was if your home isn't healthy then you can't give these other kids the healthy environment they need. Today I took her to another home, I dropped her off and drove 45 mins alone in my car. I felt like a failure, I felt like I wasn't cut out to be a mom. The only comfort I have knowing that she is with this amazing loving family that will give her the love that she needs. I know what I did was in the best interest of my family, I felt the comfort of my heavenly father but it still isn't easy. I know it will take time to heal. I have 3 healthy beautiful children that I get to call them mine forever and I couldn't be happier.
As far as our family continuing foster care we are on hold right now. I have been burnt out and ran dry, all the stories I hear and phone calls I get for kids needing a home and fighting the system, which sometimes seems they don't have the child's best interest really gets you upset, depressed and down right angry. My husband and I will be taking a break on taking anymore kids until next summer, we felt that it would be in the best interest for our oldest, she is a sensitive soul and needs more care. We would like to grow our family and we want to give back and help those who in need. Heavenly father has blessed us with 3 beautiful children and we feel this our way of saying thank you by giving other children homes that need them. I have lost my way, I was so focused on adopting and having a forever family that I forgot about the real reason to do foster care and that is that these kids need a loving home. With this break it will give me time to focus on my kids and  regroup and retrain my thoughts to be a better wife, mom, foster mom and to take care of myself.
The adoption day, lets say it was one of my top 5 best days of my life. A huge burden was lifted, these two kiddos were part of our forever family. I couldn't stop smiling, everything was perfect. We had family and friends that celebrated with us. And the sealing day, it was everything I ever imagined. As we were being sealed I was looking around holding my kids hands and saw everyone I loved in the room (we were missing some, but I know they were with us in spirit) and it just felt perfect. I love spending time with family and friends, I can't think of anything else better to do in life, well maybe sleep, but who has time to sleep anyways.