Foster/Adoption update: The light at the end of the tunnel

 It has been an interesting learning journey for me for the last 3 years ever since I became a mom. I'm not a highly emotional person, I'm more of a logical person black and white kind you might say. You do something wrong you get in trouble, your upset about something, fix it. With my kids, I have had to adapt my thought process, why because if they break a rule they aren't doing it because they want to get in trouble they are needing something from me or my husband and they don't know how to express it and they are feeling insecure if you will still love them even if they break a rule, or if they are upset, guess what they can't fix it and neither can I. And sometimes they need a good cry and someone to hold them. Like most mom's  out there I have been stretch to my limit I feel, and just when I think I can't do it anymore I get stretched even further. I have learned that it's ok to let myself cry or to go to my room and maybe yell in my pillow for a little bit. (I know, you are all thinking CRAZY) People come up to me all the time and say some pretty stupid things, that are hurtful and that are pretty funny because they have know idea. When people find out I do foster care, people have a gazillion questions and I really don't mind answering them, I love to talk about it. I was pretty ignorant about the whole "mommy war" I knew people judged people, who doesn't judge you would be lying to yourself if you said you never looked at another mom and pass judgment how she dealt with her kids. I have had mom's who have shook  their heads at me, other mom's who have told me that I shouldn't be bottle feeding my child I should breast feed and I have other mom's tell me that I'm raising my kids wrong and more. I would never dream of telling other mom's how to raise their kids, one it's hurtful and two it's none of their business. It's no secret I have been raised in the church by a good family, were we perfect oh NO, but we tried and I can honestly say I had a wonderful and happy childhood. I want that for these kids who come in my home those who I keep and those who I don't. But it's hard to do that when these kids have had so much trauma in their life and can't seem to forget it either. And when they have visit with their biological family it's hard for them to forget about their pass and move on. And that is where all their mix emotion comes in. I will never forget my 6 year old boy's face on his birthday. He just came home from his visit at his dad, I had the house decorated for him, and his favorite meal and we sang happy birthday and he was  trying super hard not to be happy. In his mind, he can't be happy here, and why would this family care about me, my real home is with my biological family. I will never know and understand what a child is going through or thinking in my home, I can't relate or understand. But I do know this, I wont give up on them, that I can promise. Some changes have happen for us in the last 2 months, our oldest one went back to his biological and now the 2 year old little girl went home. The number one comment I get every time is, "it must be hard, when the kids leave" don't get me wrong, it's a weird and sad feeling. The first kid we sent back, I cried, he was our first. But the last two, it's a feeling of I can't change a thing. It's more of a helpless feeling or a feeling of deep sadness of their future. Each time a child leaves a little hole is made, you helped shaped a little person, and gave them a shimmer of hope and light in their life and it is taken away in a instant. Nobody is taking the child's life serious by the state, what it does to them sending them here or there. We as parents always want to shield our kids from the evils of the worlds, but how can you shield a child from things if they already have seen or felt the evils of the worlds. How can you help if the child has been through more then you have in your entire 33 years of life. It's a million dollar question, one I search for everyday.
Kid time!
The 6 year old, well he finished kindergarten it was a long year for me and the teacher. You know the song "everyone knows your name" from the show cheers, it's pretty funny because  when you walk through the school everyone knows the boy's name, not because he is popular kid it's because he was sent to a lot of people's classes and to the Principal's off probably every other day for one  thing or another. He had a hard time with authority he didn't like people telling him what to do. Plus this was the hard part he never learn from his mistake, he kept making the same one. You could give him all the rewards he ever wanted but no reward would help him not do the same mistake. But we finished, and on May 31st he returned to his biological father. We had him for 2.5 years, and we loved him, our family doesn't believe in giving up. It was hard because I know the situation is no good. His dad is a dud, and not that we are perfect but I know it's better then where he is going. Will never get to see him ever again. People always ask, if he got removed again would you take him in again. Sadly our answer is NO, the reason why is I have to look out for my kids that I already have, my kids are still young and I have to make sure I don't have too many disturbance in the home. It was really sad, and rude of the state because I got a phone call that day saying we are picking up the child have it's stuff ready. We really had no time to prepare or have a proper goodbye. Plus he didn't understand either, he kept saying so I will never see you again, I said no and he would respond with this is a sad day. And it was, but life has to go on and so do we.
The sibling, well good news back in April 18th the rights of the parents were severed, and we get to start the process of adopting! I had really mix emotions that day in court, we have fought for so long for these kids and to see the rights taken away from the biological mother just like that was hard. People had to testify against the mom and it was all negative and the mom just sat there emotionalist. She has Asperger and other mental health problems. It all went over her head, she didn't seem sad or happy. The mom came up to me after and I said how are you doing, and her response was I'm doing fine. Like nothing has happen. It broke my heart to see her leave knowing that she has no support system and she needed someone to take care of her. Obviously she is unable to take care of her kids but it's still sad, she gave birth, she created them. We feel so bless and thankful that we get to keep them and they get to be part of our forever family. It's hard to think that something so negative can happen in life to another family, or to these kids but yet in the end something so beautiful as to we get to adopt these sweet spirits. We are just so grateful!
The other girl, she has been super challenging  for Tom and I. She has a speech problem, walking issues because she is pigeon toe, along with the speech issues she has a communication problem, she doesn't understand what we are saying to her. She says yes to everything even if you didn't ask a yes or no answer. She doesn't know how to play with toys or have any interest in playing with them. She has social anxiety, we can't go out in public anywhere with out her having a melt down because there are other people around and we are not in the home. She doesn't know how to chew her food, she holds in in her mouth and lets it turn into liquid to swallow it. We have been starting from the beginning as if she is a newborn, to teach her everything because of the neglect caused to her. The last 4 months have been long, but she has been sent to another foster home because the Case manager wanted her to be in a home with her sister and she found a home that was able to take both of the girls. It will be a good thing for her to be with her sister but I don't know thing it will be a good thing to be moving her again because she is having a hard time and we have come a long way with her. It is out of our hands. I can only wish her luck, and tell her that we love her very much.
Changes are always going to happen in our home, some good some not so good. It's an interesting journey to be on, who knows how long will be doing foster care it takes a toll on you fighting all the time and in the end you get NOTHING. All I know we have to keep on trying just like each and every one of us as parents. Thanks for reading my blog, and letting me vent sometimes and ignoring my horrible grammar, I know I'm not a writer but I want to document my feelings and my life here.