Foster/adoption: Everyday is a new day

It is February already! I had lots of goals this year for my family and myself. It has been a real adjustment for myself and the family in the last six months, adding the baby. Trying to manage my time, energy and the big one my emotions! I always see the quote on Pinterest by Jim Gaffigan the one that talks about What is it like having 4 kids, "You want to know what it's like having a fourth kid? Imagine you're drowning. Then someone hands you a baby." It always cracks me up but hits home with me all the time! I do feel like I'm drowning all the time, and there are days where I feel like I can't get my act together. And of course there are days where I feel like I hit a home run. I know that there are people who have more then 4 kids and some who have less then 4 kids, every family is different and everyone handles things in different ways. I try really hard not to let myself compare myself to other mothers and for the most part I feel I do a good job at it because I know that everyone is experience motherhood different from me. This year I'm really trying hard to make our home a Christ center home, like having regular Family home evening, having morning and night prayers as a family. As for myself I'm trying to not be such a yeller/screamer. Lets be honest, I react to things fast and negative. I know it plays a huge part in my kids life the way I react to things and most of the time its in a negative way. I have to be the one that changes in order to make my home a better/safer place. Every time I react in a negative, I realize I'm just creating the same environment that the kids just came from. Every day is a new day, and some days are better then others just like every other family out there. Now about each kid.
The 4 year old, who soon to be 5 this month. It's crazy to think that we have had him for over a year now. A lot of progress has been made with him and a lot of set back have happen with him also. He is still having visit with his Father and other brother, which cause the set backs. Which happens to cause attachment disorder. The child is confuse, just like any other child would be if they saw their dad/brother or mother once a week. From the very beginning he has had this disorder just like most foster children do. They are afraid to love but want to be loved, they are afraid to get close but want someone to be close to them. Everyday he tells me he loves me multiple times throughout the day! Now I know most of you are thinking what is wrong with that??? When he tells me that he loves me over and over and over he is telling me/ thinking, if I tell her that I love her she wont hurt me, leave me and I can get some type of attention from her and I hope its good attention. Its the same thing when he gives me a compliments me in the weirdest way. He will pick out the most random things about me or anybody and say he like it. He does it all the time to me and people outside our home. I had a babysitter come into our home, the first one and the first thing he tells her, I love you, and I like your eyebrows. It all comes down to trusting people because for the first 4 years of his life he had no one to trust/love. And every child needs that. You would think after a year of being with us he would have learned that he can trust me, love me or even open up to being a "normal" child. But when you have visits once a week all your progress you have made with trusting goes down the tube. As far as what is going on with his case the dad is still working on stuff, like getting a safe place of his own and a better job to support his family. Its very frustrating for me to try to explain to the boy that he can't live with his dad. I can't tell him the truth that the dad is lazy, I give him the same answer every time sorry but your dad is still working on making his life better for you, so he can be an amazing daddy for you. He buys it now but for how long, he is getting older and kids get smarter. The system gives the parents sooooooooooooo many chances, and statistic say that if the kids haven't return after a year the chances of  them going back are pretty slim. Its just sad because who is the one that gets hurt, the child and there is nothing I can do about it.
I'm going to combine the little girl and baby because they are siblings and well they are pretty much on the same case. As for the girl, she has her trial set for march 31st and April 1st, what that means is she could be severed, and if she is severed we can adopt her! I want nothing more then to adopt her and to have her in our family forever. She still has visit with her mother, why??? I don't know because it's really sad because the mom sees her and baby at the same time and because the mom is mentally ill she can't pay attention to both kids so she end up ignoring the little girl for 2 hours and giving all her attention to the baby. This has been going on now for the last 4 months, she has become very possessive of me, she will tell me to put the baby down and tell Tom to let go of "her mommy" and tell the other kids to leave "her mommy" alone. So there has been a lot of redirecting and tears going on in this house. We are just buying our time and praying that it will all soon be over come April 1st. As for the baby, his case will go on a lot longer because there is a different dad. He says that he "wants" the baby but hasn't done anything to work to get him back, which looks good for us because we want him. But like all cases, they give these parents sooooooooooooo many chances. And for that reason his case will be dragged out forever. Plus just because  the little girl's rights will be severed from the mom doesn't mean that the baby's rights will be severed, because per the law, it says that just because one child is severed doesn't mean the other child will be severed the parent could have changed, not exact wording but you get the point. Lots of court dates and visits are going on this year. It's so hard sometimes because you know you can't do anything but wait and let someone tell you how your family will turn out.
We have been out of commission for the last 3 months because of sickness, we have had a couple of good weeks here and there but we have been stuck in the house. We have been in and out of the Dr's office and emergency room, it just makes it hard sometimes to live normal. But we seem to manage, we had a wonderful Christmas, filled with family, we had our little Jack sealed to us and we couldn't be more grateful for that, and we got to go to Disneyland. 2015 is going to be an interesting year for the Drury's but we are excited and we can't wait for what it brings.